Don we now our gay apparel.

are people even doing that this year?

Truckin'

Driving to Colorado for Christmas.
Singing some song from Bread.


i took pictures

glitter-dust

or whatever that stuff is that some people put inside cards before they mail them to you.
what an unwelcome little suprise that turns out to be.
you open this card, expecting holiday pleasantries, and a bunch of sparkly dust spills all over the floor.
i suppose the intention is good, but really...
it's not the 1950's. i'm not a housewife. and you're not a door-to-door salesman for carpet cleaners.
so quit dumping garbage on my rug.

Thank you, Charlie Brown

You've retarded a nation of adults, overly nostalgic for programming from their youth.
And at this, the merriest time of year, I will shoot myself if I have see even one more of your tv specials.
Wha. WhaWha-Wha. Wha.

Full Time

since i haven't been "working" recently, i've been able to get a lot of writing done.

my secret is that i treat it like a job. i think it's the only way i can maintain a high level of discipline.

come to think of it, i treat a lot of things like jobs... but going for a jog every morning isn't a job.

maybe i shouldn't come back after that and take a four hour nap and tell everyone that i worked the AM shift.

alright, enough of this curiously novel writing, i've gotta get back to work (eating lunch) if i want to make it to my second job (doing my laundry) and then i should be able to finish up my freelancing (watching Arrested Development/Desperate Housewives/Boston Legal) later this evening.

To The Girl Who Gave Me "Her" Number, But When I Tried To Call Her I Realized That She Purposely Gave Me A Wrong Number:

i love it when you play hard to get.

Next Year...

i would like to spend more time kicking ass,
and less time taking names.

you know when you're laughing so hard that you actually start to cry?
i've been doing that alot recently. except i don't start it off with the laughing part...

was Adam Smith wrong?

I thought I understood the principles of supply and demand; but, when you look at our world today, you see that almost anything can go wrong, at any time.
Recent events have shown that the unexpected can occur during even the quietest of moments.
So how is there still a market for white underwear?

my job search

i've been looking for work recently, and even though i don't have a traditional schedule, i haven't wanted to slack off.

i have to be constantly vigilant- identifying and then seizing the right opportunities.

i am taking this so seriously, in fact, that i limit myself to only four hours of sleep per day.

of course, i still get a full eight hours of shut-eye every night.

when LOL won't do

to express a range of emotions, you'll need some others.
this is one that is close to my heart:

DCOL
(don't cry out loud)

i hope it catches on.

Bad Hair Year

have you ever found an old shirt in your closet and you were shocked to remember that you used to wear it out in public?

the tackiest shirt you've ever seen. and it belongs to you.

it's a miserable moment, realizing that you looked foolish in front of others.

imagine how i felt when i found this picture and realized that two years ago, my hair looked like this EVERY DAY...

where the hell was my intervention? my "friends" didn't say anything...

Holiday Message

www.designashirt.com/design.asp?design=96556

it makes for an ugly shirt. but the message has never been more true than at this, the merriest time of year.

The King

I BELIEVE: Elvis is alive, but unable to collect royalties from his music.
Therefore, he is forced to earn a living as an Elvis impersonator in Vegas...

talking in song

although i can't carry a tune, i do find the idea of being a singer very appealing.

i'm not sure if it's really the singing part that i'm attracted to, though.

i think i just want to talk to people for 3 minutes at a time. saying one thing a bunch of times real fast, then saying something slow four slightly different ways. it would be great. i would never be at a loss for words again.

Regarding A.B.

You gave me the tree
Then tried to make it die.
Now that you're gone
It's doing fine.

BadWords

moist
cream
creamy
butter
buttery
socket
pickle
crusty
matriculation


alright, enough. i could do this all day...

The frustration is enormous

When you finally realize that

The only things you can control

Have insignificant outcomes.

OBVIOUS ONLY TO NEIGHBORS

My neighbors casually observe

As they sip coffee on their balconies

They know which one

I really care about.

But not all the parties

are aware…

Of course the girls

Don't know.

Each thinks

she is the only one.

But this deception

is wearing me down.

Every day I get more nervous

Each encounter increases my paranoia

A knot is tightening in the core of my morality.

I feel as though my body language screams-

Confessing to one about the other.

But apparently, I'm faking it alright...

self-promotion

i've never been good at it. but based on a show of hands, i realized that if anyone was going to give me a promotion, it was gonna have to be me...

bag lady

i've superimposed the face of someone i love, on your body.

wisdom

my advice is always good.

and if i were anyone else, i would certainly take it.

Getting To Go

McDonald's standard bathroom policy is that you must purchase something in order to use the restroom. But if you need to use the bathroom bad enough to want to use a McDonald's Bathroom, then you obviously don't need anything more to eat or drink!

They should let you go to the bathroom first, and then try to hit you up for a purchase after that. Or sell gift certificates. Or they could just put 'bathroom use' on the menu, and charge something for it. They could even value price it (along with a picture) in their menu section...
I can see the menu board now: 'Number 1', 'Number 2', or a 'Combo'!

but then we would call it wallpaper??

sometimes i use toilet paper to blow my nose when i can't find any tissues.

and you can always find toilet paper, since it's permanently mounted on the bathroom wall.

so here's my idea-

put those toilet paper brackets on the various walls throughout your house.
in your bedroom above your bed. on the wall next to your couch.
next to the paper towels in the kitchen (for the smaller jobs).

this is gonna be huge... kleenex's evil tissue empire is about to get a nasty little blow... unless they also make toilet paper. which they probably do. i mean, it would make good business sense.

dinner time

best way to make sure you save room for dessert is to eat it first.

ER

you know when someone is crying, but it's on the inside, people console them and stuff.

but when you are bleeding, but it's on the inside, then people tell you that you have internal bleeding and they rush you to a hospital.

word!

so it's kind of nice like not being so busy and all. i've had a lot of free time recently.

it's cool though because i spend most of that time just, like, being really rad and stuff, you know.

12 steps to employment

i am still putting myself out there every day looking for a job...

i'm not really worried about the drug-testing that employers do.

just glad that they don't do Wine-Cooler or Beer testing...

P R N D 1 2 3

I wish there were more traffic problems due to chinese fire drills.

Because then we could take some preventative measures and everything would be fine.

incredibles

my superhero skill is my toaster timing.

any darkness. on any toaster.
i can be off doing my thing, and then casually stroll back to the toaster just as the toast is about to pop up.

now i've been wracking my brain, and honestly, i don't know where to put this on my resume.

if i'm not broke, i won't fix it...

i think i have just the right amount of debt.

just enough to keep me under the man's thumb.

not enough that i'll do something illegal to get even.

i'm not going to rob a liquor store. or embezzle money from an employer. or work in porn.

but i will bust my ass working for the man (for less than i'm worth), because i know that i need to get some cash-money coming in to try to wiggle back out of the debt that i created.

in the meantime, i'll keep paying penalties for back-taxes.
and exorbitant interest on ten year old debts.
and i'll keep giving enormous deposits to landlords, electric companies, and cell-phone kiosks...

on the upside, it does make me feel very american.

Slow

Is it possible for dogs to be retarded?

LOL

i was wondering, in an email exchange, do i have to reply when someone replies to an email i just sent by simply saying "LOL"?

i mean, does that require a response, or is that the final email?
i'm never quite sure when an email exchange is over...

and what about when someone sends that final "thanks" email? is it over then? or should you reply with a "of course" or "you're welcome"?

if you did, then i think that would definitely be the end of the correspondence. or, at least, the onus would be on the other person to come up with what they should say next... unless that other person is you, in which case you should begin reading the first part of this thought again, and just keep looping around until the answer occurs to one of us...