Preposition Proposition

Sometimes I need to end my sentences with a preposition.
And I'm not alone.

I think it's time they revise that rule. And while "they" are at it, they should do something about capitalization. it's pointless.
in fact, it sometimes creates confusion due to the "lowercase L" / "capital i" similarity.
see? even to properly explain that example, i had to use reverse capitalization so that you would know which letter i was referring to.
(and there's your preposition, by the way...)

I can't stop thinking about food.

Have you noticed that your last bite of a Chicken Sandwich from Burger King
(and this is even more true about McDonalds) always contains a nasty knobby
chicken piece?
It is often so terrible, I wind up spitting out the half-chewed last
bite. But that's not the bad part.

The sandwich is round. All sides are exactly the same.
So is it just coincidence that the last bite is knobby?
Or does every bite contain a knob, but our pangs of hunger distract us from noticing
that we are eating knobs.
Then, as we reach the end (and grow presumably less hungry), we start to
notice the flaws in the food.

Apply it to any relationship and you'll see that I am right.
Me, "when did she start acting so crazy?"
All of my friends, "oh, she's always been crazy, haven't you noticed?"

But I didn't notice, because I was distracted by the other benefits of the
relationship.
Thank God she didn't have a knob, because I probably wouldn't have even noticed.

Movie Food

My unnamed adult friend has the diet (or spending habits, I'm not sure which) of an 8 year old.

If he sees a good movie or cartoon, he buys the cereal and eats it exclusively until the next good movie/food comes along.

He is currently finishing Shrek 2, and is about to have a bowl of SpongeBob SquarePants.

I find that unhealthy and a little insane.

Now if they ever make a Crispix Talk to Her, I'm there...

Re:

isn't it interesting that an email exchange takes the shape of a pyramid after a while?
first, both parties are exchanging a lot of information.
but that eventually tapers off.
the conversation trickles down, each party using fewer and fewer words
in their reply, until reaching the lowest common denominator.
which would be one unreply-able word. and with me, that final one word is often "word".
nothing you can say back to that. without expanding the pyramid.

Taking up a Man's Room

So last night, I was at my friend's club, and I walk into the restroom. There wasn't a line, but every urinal was occupied. Except one. That's right, the middle urinal was open...
So I buck up and squeeze into that middle spot.
Between two guys who were much bigger than me.
I mean they were taller. I didn't look down.

Anyway, I'm probably only 25% done with what I'm doing. Guy to my left probably 50% done. And that's when the guy to my right leaves. And so does everyone else in the restroom.

Now it's just me and the guy to my left. To my immediate left. Our elbows are touching. But you can't stop what you're doing and move over. That's physically impossible. You just try to hurry up.

It's exactly like being stuck in an elevator with a guy who is standing way too close to you. And has his wanker in his hand.

Coffee Talk

So I just poured myself a cup of coffee, and the smell kicked up a gag reflex I didn't even know I had.
Hazelnut flavored coffee smells disgusting! I mean really, really bad.
I can't believe it's as popular as it is.
It's the Nic Cage of coffee.
The more horrible it performs, the more money people will throw at it,
perhaps for the sake of optimism, although I am inclined to believe that it's because your average consumer has horrible taste.
Even in a pressure-free situation, they will purchase a yucky Hazelnut as often as they will select a delicious French Vanilla coffee product.

And if you don't believe me, conduct this simple test for yourself.
Go to your local grocery store. Or wherever bad videos are rented.
Find Sonny and watch it. It has nothing to do with Hazelnut coffee.
But it has everything to do with Nicholas Cage being the worst actor/director ever.
He is bad bad bad bad bad bad bad. Bad. He is bad.
He makes Ed Wood look like an editing master.
It is really that bad. Even compared to his other movies, this is bad. And remember, he acted circles around himself in Gone in Sixty Seconds. But Sonny is worse than that. It's worse than any other movie. It's actually worse than things that aren't even movies. But it's still better than Hazelnut.

fortune brings good cookie

Susanna Potter (friend from Kindergarten) describes my writing style as being very
"fortune cookie".

And maybe that's the answer...

Perhaps I will finally achieve the success I deserve by baking my writings into food.

But I write on a laptop, so I imagine I should transfer messages to another medium before baking into food.

Do you think this means that the written-on-actual-paper word will have to survive,
if only for the benefit of the fortune cookie?
Or could it be the other way around?

Hmm, food for thought. (And I can't help but point out that there is something apropos about flipping that phrase and tying in something about "thoughts in your food". But that would be too obvious, or a bit too tangential, and certainly a waste of good laptop either way.)

$400 for a massage??

I'm not saying that prostitution is right, but we must defer to Adam Smith.
He preached the merits of a free-market economy. And I have to agree with him...

People doing a good job at something should be paid well.
People doing poorly should be compensated accordingly.
And people who suck should be forced to do it for free.

speaking in tongues. french tongues.

you look like someone i'd want to make out with
if it were late and i was really drunk.



i cannot figure out why that didn't work.
i must be asking the wrong ladies.

MLK Day Celebrations

We have new site improvements for Martin Luther King Day!
Actually, they're really not that exciting. And they're not really for MLK Day.
But it is MLK Day today. And we do have a brand new Error Page.

If you are going to type something wrong, and get an error, wouldn't it be nice to incorporate a little pleasure into the process.

Damn straight we're lookin' out for you...

There are no saints so annoying as the reformed sinners...

I generally resist the urge to quote brilliant people, because that takes the focus off me. But I just quit smoking, so here you go:


"My excuse for not lecturing against the use of tobacco is, that I never chewed it;
that is a penalty which reformed tobacco-chewers have to pay;
though there are things enough I have chewed which I could lecture against."

-Henry David Thoreau

Here's Who I Am Gonna Shoot Next:

(In order to give you a sporting chance, this is your warning...)

The next person who finishes telling me a long story by saying
"and then I started pulling his leg, just like I'm pulling yours".

The Bachelorette. Tonight on ABC.

So that horrible reality show (which I will soon be watching religiously) begins tonight on ABC.
The promos have been airing non-stop...
My favorite part is an audio clip from one of the more competitive male suitors...
He must be trying to insult another player (or is it player-fiancee?)so he says:
"I will chew him up like a piece of garbage!"

That troubled me. I mean, are we doing that now?
Really?? We're eating garbage?

Showering

I think I was a stinky child. I just realized this today. I was taking a shower, and thinking about all the spots on my body that I used to miss. I mean, I had the basics down. I'm sure of that. But the specific scrubbing that I do now, concentrating my attention on each spot, attending to every detail... Yeah, I think that may be new.

I am trying to recall my exact childhood showering routine, but I can't think back that far. I do remember a time at a girlfriend's house in Palm Springs, must have been ten years ago. I don't think I had perfected my system, at that point. Maybe I'm still not perfect. But awareness is the first step... And now that I am aware, I'm wondering if I'm on the right track. How do we ever know? Should I spend more time in locker rooms? Should bars of soap, loofahs, and body scrubs come with directions? Or perhaps instructional videos? I guess if it came to that, I'd rather not know...

Should I take it before I even meet you?

i've never tried Viagra.
because i don't think it would work for me.
my relationships don't usually last long enough.

LA Weather

As I've mentioned in my other blog, it's raining a lot here in LA. That's why I haven't been running for the past few days.
So if the weather is nice where you are right now, enjoy the opportunity to work out while I sit around and become a skinny shade of fat.

It has been raining (ok, pouring) for the past two weeks. That's fairly annoying.
But my real frustration comes from the fact that the local news media has not named this storm yet. This is Hollywood. We name everything here.
Shouldn't this be FloodStormRainTrackerWatch 2005?

I'm sorry, but if we don't name it then I refuse to take this weather seriously.
Even the less dramatic East Coast would have named a storm like this by now.
It's a big deal. Houses are sliding down hills. People might be drowning.
In a storm that has no name. It's just so un-LA.
I refuse to die in a storm that has no name.

"What happened to Matt?"
"Oh, remember when it was raining last week? It killed him.
Remember that puddle over by his car? Yeah, well he drowned in it."

you're in the middle of a cell phone conversation.

not a conversation about cell phones.
well i guess it could be a conversation about cell phones.
it could be a conversation about anything.
as long as it's a conversation on a cell phone.

well anyway...
so you're in the middle of a conversation on your cell phone.
and then the phones start cutting out. you can't understand a word the other party is saying.
the following is a transcript from every one of those times...

"blah blah blah" [indecipherable]

"blah blah blah" [indecipherable]

"what did you say?" [perfectly clear]

"i think the phone is breaking up" [perfectly clear]

"blah blah blah" [indecipherable]

"blah blah blah" [indecipherable]

"gonna have to call you back" [perfectly clear]

"i can't hear you anymore" [perfectly clear]

"i'm going through a bad spot" [perfectly clear]

"blah blah blah" [indecipherable]

"blah blah blah" [indecipherable]

[disconnected]

Nestle Scorched Almonds

why was I not told about these sooner?
they are DELICIOUS!!!

or maybe I'm just very hungry.
I'm eating them right now, and I can't stop.

seems like they are only available in New Zealand
or here
maybe you should buy me some more. I'm almost out.

and now what is this?
why are people boycotting Nestle?
they obviously haven't tasted the Nestle Scorched Almonds...

My Latest Project

newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/dmg/54744921.html

Sorry! I just noticed that the folks at Craigslist deleted my post.
I can't imagine why...
Of course, I saved a copy. So here it is:

-------------------------------------------------

I need a stool to sit on. Performance Art.

Original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/dmg/54744921.html
Posted by: anon-54744921@craigslist.org
Posted on: 2005-01-06, 11:40PM

Be ok with the idea that you will have to spend 5-7 minutes on your hands and knees.

And know that I will be sitting on your back.



Will you be my special stool?



I am a straight male in my late twenties.

(Not that it matters, because I will only be sitting on your back.)

Oh, and I weigh approximately 155 pounds.

No Pay. But if my friends ever need a stool, I'll give you a great recommendation.



this is in or around LES

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services, chairs, or other commercial interests

hello PETA

i do realize that half of everything i say is not funny.
in fact, those unfunny things are often very stupid.
and certainly not worth listening to.
but to be fair, those odds are better than anyone else i know.

now i forgot what i was saying. dammit.

oh, yeah.
there should be a puppy trade-in program.
dogs are not as fascinating as cute little puppies.
couldn't we start a business where we leased puppies like they were Toyotas?
people could trade them back in for a new puppy every year or so.
(but i'm not sure what we would do with the nasty old dogs we would get back. they would essentially be worthless...)
i think people buy puppies and end up with dogs.
just like guys fall in love with a girlfriend and end up with a wife.
maybe there should be an exchange program for wives, too...

how many dollars can i net in the first year of my puppy exchange?
if it is fiscally wise i will draw up a proposal tomorrow.
not sure who i would get to invest in a business like this, though.
probably hunters or people who wear fur coats. they hate animals.

What I did on New Years Eve with my orange court-jesters hat

first of all, if you reached this page because I emailed you a link, then everything below applies to you. you should feel special, because i almost wrote this specifically to you. but not really to you. just to someone like you. or to anyone who asked me the question that you just did. or to people who don't care what i did and didn't ask and aren't even sure if they know me. this is to you. and you. and you... here we go:

this was an email to a friend (you?)

as for my new year, to save a bit of energy, i will paste text from two other emails that i sent to other friends, detailing my exciting new years plans. i will then begin typing to you and no one else after another series of these little things
*******************************
i was trying to sneak in with my junk food and 40 of beer...
didn't want anyone to know that was the way i'd be spending my new year's eve...
but i guess you guys busted me.

at the drive-thru, i even went to the trouble of ordering two hamburgers, each prepared different, so that the order-taker would think that i was ordering for two people rather than sitting around by myself getting fatter, on the most social night of the year...
so now it sucks that my second burger has ketchup AND mayo on it. and i have to eat it.

hope you have a very festive eve. talk to ya later...

matt

(that was a letter to my neighbor on NYE. Then we also have this one)

i actually did nothing for nye. which was perfect. for the past couple years i was working on new years eve, and was really over the whole production of the night.
so instead, i snuck out of my building without anyone seeing me, went to Jack in the Box, got a bunch of fast food. went to the corner store and got a forty of Budweiser, then tried to sneak back inside and watch Ryan Seacrest and Regis Philbin on television.
but my neighbors were all dolled up and walking out of my building as i was walking back inside, wearing a sweatshirt and carrying a big bag of junk food. on a related note, why am i not 300 pounds...?
but i had a great time just chilling by myself. it was a nice change.
mo
*********************************
alright, now i'm back to you.